It's cool

that I'm leaving in a week and my room is a mess and I still need to buy a lot of things and try and use up the rest of my food and pack and start taking anti-malaria pills and finish up any last minute projects in the adlab and at work and try and stop thinking about how

I'm really scared that I'm going to have a panic attack when I see all the bugs or that I'll get attacked by gangs or get a tapeworm or fail at all my projects or not come back speaking better Spanish and I don't have time to

work out before I leave and I'm going to get fat eating pupusas and probably won't even have room for my running shoes in my suitcase (not like I'd use them anyway) but

somehow my enduring optimism better kick in soon (i hope) and it will be fine and it will be great because it always is, and I actually am really excited and really grateful

but also a little terrified.

Here's to hoping and praying and wishing that 7 weeks from now I'll be back and healthy and missing El Salvador.

tick tick tick

I'm stressed.

(Not angry, mind you, just stressed).

And I'm not even really stressed about school. I'm stressed about moving and responsibility and projects and things I want to accomplish outside of school.

And all of this is made worse by the fact that my room is a disaster.

But I'm moving on Thursday. And I'm going to try and not take my messes with me.

Here's to fresh starts and clean carpet.

this backpack's too heavy.

I just can't do it all, okay?
Even when I get everything done that absolutely HAS to be done, there are still papers due in a week that should be started, visiting teaching that should be done, stewardship interviews that should be done, cleaning that should be done, studying that should be done, thermometers to be rewired for the fourth time, quizzes to redo, French resumes and cover letters to write, etc. etc.
And then all the guilt I feel for always complaining or whatever when everyone around me has just as much going on, but is somehow able to be much more cheerful about it all.

For some reason I thought that college would get easier the further in you get.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Hold on, if you feel like letting go.

We're all thinking it, so I'm just going to say it:

I hate finals.

My brain is turning to mush.

Meh

Dear Thanksgiving,
You will be here in less than a week, and I am very happy about that. You see, I really need the break from school. (Even though I will be bringing homework to Oregon with me.)
And I'm excited to see my family. Because my family rocks.
And I really need the rest. Really.


Love,
Laura

Sometimers

I officially loathe:

-Verizon Wireless
-the 5 passwords that I must know to change anything about my account
-the fact that somehow I subscribed to play Ms. PacMan on my phone, without my knowledge, and have been reprimanded by my mother twice for it. Not her fault, but frustrating for us both.
-the fact that I deleted said Ms. PacMan from my phone, but apparently am still paying for it. (what the heck?!?!)


gahhhjkdsfjkdslagjvdslkjklgvdsajkl&!&@&!#(*#$&!

I hate technology. I don't htink this will ever change.

Give me a typewriter, a pen and a face to talk to. So sick of screens.

gaaahhhh

Today I swore.*

Out loud.

In front of my boss's wife...Oops. And I was too in shock at my own mouth to apologize/excuse myself.

That was embarrassing.

People at work are officially rubbing off on me. In a not-so-good way.

Dang.**



*okay, so it was just the D word. But still.
**Not that D word. The real one.
***Also, that muzzle would have really come in handy.

"Like too little butter spread over too much bread."

I'm tired..... I'm just simply worn out.... too many things always going through my head and too many things always on the To-Do list. I'm frustrated (Not angry).

Even vacations often seem to bring me no respite. Where is that stuff actually found?!

I find myself just wishing that I could find some way to leave all my cares, and concerns, and responsibilities, and passions, and problems, and drama, and work, and money, and heartaches, and desires, and dreams, and pains, and burdens, and mantles, and hopes, and frustrations... and just take a step away....

and go lay in a hammock.....

on a beach....

sipping a virgin martini....

with one of those little umbrellas....

alone....

I suppose the only day that'll ever happen is when I'm dead. And even then, I'm sure God will put me to work.

My existence is doomed to trudge with the burden of responsibilty.

Normally I'm fine with it. In fact normally I quite like it. But like both of the Relief Society Presidents expressed yesterday evening, "We, as Leaders, are HARPED ON by Satan on all sides!" Sitting there, watching tears flow down the cheeks of both presidents, and having my own demons raging within me, I felt a tad bit overwhelmed.

But ask me then, ask me now, or ask me later if I would have it any other way, and I will respond with a resounding, "NO!!!!! I will not abandon them! I will not abandon those that need me. But above all, I will not abandon my God!"

Till my dying breathe let this ring true!

Why Elms, why? I'm not even moving out!*

I HATE CLEANING!!!!!!!

That is all I have to say about that.

*actually it practically feels like I am since I won't be here for the next 5 Sundays. People who know I'm staying in the ward will think I'm inactive. People who move into the ward won't know I exist. I won't meet my new roommates until they've already been living in my apartment for a month....weird...that shouldn't bug me really, but it kinda does...