*sniff*

Today I was that girl in the testing center. The one that kept sniffling every ten seconds.

No I was not having a breakdown (my test actually went pretty well).

I was just a girl in the front row, with a not-exactly-congested nose, without a tissue.

ps: I hate people that do that. I am such a hypocrite.

hero

maybe it's just because i keep watching depressing movies or writing depressing french papers, but man, i am burned out.

or maybe it's because two years of experience have taught me that i don't even want what i see in movies anyway.

:S

Hold on, if you feel like letting go.

We're all thinking it, so I'm just going to say it:

I hate finals.

My brain is turning to mush.

Assumptions

I absolutely HATE it when your brain makes assumptions. When you think that you've got more time than you do. When you make a schedule based off that assumed time allotment and then you go to finish an assignment and you realize that your brain has messed up. ...crap...dumb...mistake...

*hit*
*head*
*keyboard*

I decided:

There is no such thing as a pair of practical, stylish, winter shoes.

That is all.

While walking to the RB to practice Rumba, by myself:

I stepped in a huge puddle and got my right foot soaked.
I realized I forgot music to dance to, so I'll look really cool...dancing my myself..to the music in my head.


And then I got sprayed with snow/slush/rain/mud/vomit from the sky by a DUMB car that drove by.



GRRR.

T freaking d. Should've known.

I would just like to feel vindicated on the choice of my major.

And know that there is a subject out there that I could actually do well enough in to go to grad school.

That's all.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Shout! Shout! Let it all out!" - Tears for Fears

You know what? It seems that we have control of every single thing in our lives: our careers, our mindset, our decisions everyday, our goals, our failures, our attitude even. There are not many things that can really be taken away from us unless we decide to give it away. But I would argue that there is one thing, one simple yet so majestically complicated thing in which we have absolutely zero control.... okay.... we have a tiny bit...

And for that one thing I am so SUPER frustrated! ....I hate losing control.... *Phooie*

I don't want the ball! You're not allowed to throw it back to me!!

Sometimes, I just do not understand.

And then I realize that I just need to chill out already.

MEH.

Meh

Dear Thanksgiving,
You will be here in less than a week, and I am very happy about that. You see, I really need the break from school. (Even though I will be bringing homework to Oregon with me.)
And I'm excited to see my family. Because my family rocks.
And I really need the rest. Really.


Love,
Laura

Cause I'm on the Up and Up

Curse. Swear. Cuss. Yell. Spit. Scream. Kick. Stomp. Punch. Growl.

What school do we go to again?!

So Bethany went and took a test this week. Like... yesterday. So what did I do? I made her a cute little, "Good Job! You rocked that test!" type of note that I left on the little shelf just outside of the Testing center, down the stairs and all. I also bought some chocolate and stuck it with the note.

She took the test, and rocked it, and then came down and found the note.... but no chocolate.... WHAT SCHOOL DO WE GO TO AGAIN!? What do we believe!? Oh yeah, "Thou shalt NOT steal." I almost forgot. Apparently so did someone else.....

All I can say is that I hope someone REALLY needed that chocolate. I hope that they couldn't survive without it. To whoever you might be, chocolate stealing fiend, I have one thing to say to you:

:P

my feet didn't even hurt.

Dear Ballroom,

Right now you are not fun, and I sort of hate you.

And I really have no desire to spend all afternoon tomorrow doing my hair and makeup and then waiting at the comp and then dancing and then not.making.a.single.cut.

Oh, and then not being able to participate in the get-the-high-school-seniors-excited-to-come-to-byu-and-dance-on-the-ballroom-team meeting because I'm utterly incoherent and my eyes are bloodshot.

Bitterly yours,

Katie, the obviously not Russian ballroom dancer

cap that.

Dear Religion Professor,

The combined class average for both of your sections on the last midterm was 75.5%. The class average on my last physics test was 72%.

THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WHEN THE RELIGION TEST IS AS HARD AS THE PHYSICS (and not just any physics mind you, this is electricity and magnetism using calculus, and it sucks) TEST!!!!!!!

ALSO! I think participation points are retarded and that I still deserve an A in French. I know that this has nothing to do with you or your class (except you have some deal with participation too....just so you know I plan on giving myself a 100%), but I am rather frustrated right now.

AND I HATE TYPING PAPERS WITH 2 cm LONG NAIL TIPS!!!!

Angrily yours,

Katya

I'veneverwantedtoswearsobadly

I'm an idiot when it comes to remember passwords.
I'm also completely irresponsible with my finances.

It really sucks when the two combine.

The End.

Sometimers

I officially loathe:

-Verizon Wireless
-the 5 passwords that I must know to change anything about my account
-the fact that somehow I subscribed to play Ms. PacMan on my phone, without my knowledge, and have been reprimanded by my mother twice for it. Not her fault, but frustrating for us both.
-the fact that I deleted said Ms. PacMan from my phone, but apparently am still paying for it. (what the heck?!?!)


gahhhjkdsfjkdslagjvdslkjklgvdsajkl&!&@&!#(*#$&!

I hate technology. I don't htink this will ever change.

Give me a typewriter, a pen and a face to talk to. So sick of screens.

All Hallow's Eve

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashley Olsen out.

BYU Symposiums

Okay, so every Friday I work at the West gate near the Tanner building. And usually every Friday it's really slow because hey, it's a Friday and who wants to be up on campus on a Friday night later than 4 o'clock?

Well apparently EVERYONE wants to be up here this week! If I have one more person ask me if they can go park by the JSB, (which has NO PARKING AROUND IT IN THE FIRST PLACE) I swear I'm gonna scream.

Sometimes I love my job but really hate people in cars.

Josh out.

This one's for Jody

I just found out i have no life for the next two weeks because i GET to read a seven hundred page book that i reeeeeeely don't want to read and then i GET to write a seven page paper on it that i don't reeeeeeely want to write.

tell me how i didn't know this was due in two weeks from now? (actually, it was originally due in one week, but the professor extended the due date today to two weeks from today.) i couldn't be more thankful for that extra week, but serrrrrioussssslyyyyyy...with everything else i have to do where am i going to find time for this???

i blame the syllabus and its faulty, mis-leading informational due dates.

meh...i need a hug. or the ability to stop time for two weeks.

i promise i'll be back in two weeks with some happy news. until then, chao.

oh, here's a good piece of news. i did very well on the listening exam i talked about in my last post. wahooo!

xoxo

- Jody

mmmmmwhatchasay?

Dear American Christianity,

I sort of hate you right now on account of the test I have to take tonight/tomorrow for which I am rather unprepared.

I also sort of hate the fact that I all of a sudden am doing bad in every class, not just physics.

And I would really like to fling myself on the ground and throw a tantrum.

And maybe check out of life for a week.

Thanks much,

Katie

ALSDGHKAOISDFHIASDKLHVHASGKHAH
ESGHIAeGHIhewhiaehiaghiahisvdjawer(ouawLO
iaSDfhasfhdsaghkaHKLSFHKLADSGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FURIOUS!

Okay, so I missed the first day of classes so I called the professor and asked him if I missed anything. His response was "No we just went over the syllabus. Just make sure you get the book." Thus, I did just that.

Well, first test comes around and what's this, there's a question from the first day of class. What?! So I answer as well I can and miss it. Great. So I go in and talk to him about it. His response was that I misunderstood him when he said that we only went over the syllabus and didn't miss anything important. Sorry.

I am so freaking ticked off right now. "It's only five points off," he says. THAT'S 8% OF YOUR GRADE GENIUS! The inconsideration and superiority is sickening! I think I'll email him. I'm not giving up that easy.

Man I'm ticked...

Trudging through snowstorms

I'm about to go do something that I strongly don't want to do but feel that I have no choice but TO do. I wish there were some other way but I've yet to see any other option.

... Am I just kidding myself? Is this another patience thing? Am I some kind of messed up conglomerate of bad history, like some kind of skewed Picasso painting?

NO! I know what matters to me so I'm going to go searching for it till I find it!! I'm living my life the best I know how, trying to do what's right for me! I feel like this is what's right. I can't continue on the way things have been going!! I control my future.

Futures:
I always could count on futures;
that things will look up
and they look up
why is it so hard to find a balance
between living decent...
and the cold and real
Hey now, what is it you think you see?
My darling, now's the time to disagree

Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets
completely

Hey now, The past is told by those who win, my darling
What matters is what hasn't been
Hey now, we're wide-awake and we're thinking
My darling, believe your voice can mean something

Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets
completely

I hate that it's come to this...

Alright... here goes... haven't done this in a while...

Toys-R-Us

I've decided I don't wanna grow up. Yep. Made that decision just now. Why, you ask? Because it's just too gosh darn painful. When I was a kid all I had to think about was me and my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and how they and I were going to take out the Shredder... and Fritz, the next door neighbor's evil dog that chewed up my Casey Jones action figure.... I could have cared less what the girls thought of me. I could have cared less what kind of emotional support I was receiving. I could have cared less about tons.

Now... now... it's just pain...

Let me be six again. Let me have my Donatello's and Michelangelo's to rule the world...

... or maybe just the backyard...

WHAT is on Friday?

I hate football.

Kind of because it is on the same night as my planned foreign film night.

But mostly because I think it is lame.

The end.

I hate job hunting. The end.

So...I've never been that great with computers. I have a love-hate relationship with them. Mostly hate.

I figured it was just my natural tendency to be old-fashioned...(or lazy?)

I mean, I can type like nobody's business...78wpm thank you very much. And am very capable of multi-tasking (i.e. homework plus blog surfing)

But do I have a "working knowledge" (whatever that means) of Excel?
Publisher? (more important question: do I even know what publisher is/does?)
HTML?
WP9? (????)

nope.

Therefore I am obsolete and unqualified for any jobs that don't involve the dreaded cafeteria of the freshman...those days are over.

Oh except one:
I could be a cake froster.
Yep, I can do that.
I think.
oh wait. it's from midnight to THREE in the morning!*


*I think I'll pass on the walking-home-late-at-night-and-getting-attacked part. If only I had a nice gentleman to walk me home...ha...ha...
(And this just turned into a rant about boys..wow. It's official: I blame all my problems in life on men. It's just easier that way.)

Maybe I'm picky.
Not! I'm not picky!
I wanted to be a waitress! but no one will hire me because I'm not 21 yet! (stupid utah)

GAHHHHH.....

All I need to say is...

I don't really like getting verbally slapped in the face....twice.

Especially when I don't deserve it.

Choices

AGH! Will everyone stop asking me to dance open with them!? Sheesh.

Let's see there's Kirstie, Shawndeen, Chris, Jessica, Kimber, Beth, Tanya, Abby, and the girl that I can't remember the name of.

Good gravy! And now they're asking for me to dance Open Standard! Can they not see I've never done standard? Either there are no guys out in the selection pool, their blind as bats, or I'm "ridiculously good looking..." so they want to dance with me because of my body... yeah, scratch that last one.

Oy! I'm not complaining. I'm really rather grateful. Makes me feel good to know that I'm wanted by someone. I just feel terrible every time I tell another girl no. =S

To all you girls that want to dance with me: "I'm sorry! I'm taken!" : (

: (

A Red, Red Rose

O my Luve's like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June;
O my Luve's like the melodie
That's sweetly played in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry:

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,
And fare thee weel awhile!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it ware ten thousand mile.

- Robert Burns

This isn't even a vent really. Just a call for normalcy. A prayer for peace. ...... but most of all a kid clinging to Hope...

I WANT TO HURT SOMEONE!

I have not been this mad in a LONG time. I want to scream. Maybe I'm overreacting, but we've been planning this for over a WEEK! Two groups of us were going to leave for Tel Aviv at 8:30 to go to the beach and do shopping and stuff. We have a whole day off, so it was perfect. This morning though, three of us had to go get money changed because we were a little short. We waited 20 minutes (not exaggeration) for a girl to get ready to come. 20 minutes after our PLANNED meeting time. So we left a little after 8. I would have left without her to walk to the city but we have to go in threes.... so we had to wait. We walked to the city, I was trying to hurry but the other two were kinda just taking their time, saying the people would wait for us. We got to the money changers, changed our money to shekels, and I said we should take a taxi back because they're going to leave in about 2 minutes. They didn't want to pay the 1 dollar (also not an exaggeration) to pay for a taxi to cut out 15 minutes of walking, and it would be breaking the rules for me to take one alone. So we meandered back. Got there 15 minutes late. Then, we waited almost 10 minutes for her to get her stuff together that she obviously hadn't done before, before we could walk up the million and a half flights of stairs to the top of our Center and then out onto the street where our taxis should be. They were probably gone by the time we originally got to the center anyway. So we finally got up there, and guess what? Everyone had left us. They knew we were changing money but we just had to take almost an hour to do that and come back, which should have only taken 30 minutes and we would have been just fine. SO, I don't get to go to the beach with people I wanted to spend the day with, including a cute boy, and now I have to change out of my swimsuit and settle for staying in yet ANOTHER day this week studying all day long. I simply can't wait for that exciting adventure...

I shouldn't hold grudges but how inconsiderate do you get? I might not be able to talk to her for days. That's fine, she kinda ignores me anyway half the time.

Whatever

*Daniel's right. *Elizabeth's right. *Clyde's right. *Rebecca's right. They're ALL right!

So what the heck is my problem!? Why can't I listen to people's advice!? "Out of the mouth of two or three..." Hello!? Why do we ask for people's advice if we don't even use it? Perhaps because we secretly wish that someone along the way will give us the advice we're looking to hear!

Απλά. Αγαπάω τιν φίλη μου. Γιατί δεν με δίνει αυτό που χρειάζομαι;

All I can clearly say is this: &%$#@!?!?, &%$#@!?!?, &%$#@!?!?, &%$#@!?!?

*Names have been changed.

it is sealed. but it is taking forever to equilibrate.

Why yes, it is I, the resident chemist, complaining yet again about work (and using too many commas? grammar geeks, help me out here).

All I want to do is go to the work party, starting in twenty minutes and eat my hamburger and pretty much any other food because I am starving.
But alas, I am still here in the lab waiting for a decent tdot so I can send it into a pulse and then ten minutes after that change the offset and hope for the best.

GRrrrRRrrrr.

*disclaimer: I love, love, love my job. It has been an awesome opportunity to work here and gain so much experience and learn so much. BUT. It can be frustrating. Today is one of those days. So there.

Oh, for the love of gallium!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHh.

Why, oh why, oh why must you be so difficult calorimetry!

I swear, the next time the helium bulb's mysteriously empty after having been filled hours before, the line just won't pump down to a low enough pressure, or the calorimeter doesn't seal for no apparent reason, I'm picking up a hammer. I'm going to unleash my fury on the glass vacuum line and break it into a thousand little pieces and then stomp on them in very thick boots while screaming "Screw this rig! Sign me up for PPMS 101!!!"

And then I will get fired.

Hmmm.

I suppose I'll just keep those actions in my head....and go back to refilling the bulb. For the what is it now? Oh yeah, fourth time in three days.

Awesome.

endurance

Today is just one of those days, where I'm a bit grumpy for no particular reason.

I just don't feel like trying anymore. Not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

But today, I'm just too lazy to care.

I really, really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep until Sunday.

Stomache Pains

I woke up this morning feeling like a wrung-out washcloth; feeling like no matter what I do it's never good enough.

I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm not sure what I'm feeling exactly. I'm a wrung-out washcloth.

Κύριε ἐλέησον! Θάλασσα καὶ πῦρ καὶ γυνή, κακὰ τρία. Μέτρον ἄριστον. Τί κοινότατον; Ἐλπίς. Καὶ γὰρ οἳς ἄλλο μηδέν, αὔτη παρέστη.

Ναι... αυτά...

gaaahhhh

Today I swore.*

Out loud.

In front of my boss's wife...Oops. And I was too in shock at my own mouth to apologize/excuse myself.

That was embarrassing.

People at work are officially rubbing off on me. In a not-so-good way.

Dang.**



*okay, so it was just the D word. But still.
**Not that D word. The real one.
***Also, that muzzle would have really come in handy.

also:

Why did I not finish Chem 227 when I had the opportunity?!

That's all.

"i want you to dance like you're 'posed to!"

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

why oh why oh why was i born with such indecision (and randomly an utter lack of capitalization)?

i'm sitting in a fig tree once again (sylvia plath quote that basically sums up my entire life) with all these figs as options and i can't seem to pick one and cut off my strings to the others...

it would help if someone would call me back for once. GRR.
it would also help if i'd just decide once and for all if i want to compete individually this year.
but it's a blackpool year! brent's and my mother's voices in my head protest.
but i want to be a chemist! i almost say outloud.

ballroom just doesn't seem to have the hold on me it once did. thinking about spending 10 hours a week in the lab excites me a lot more than 10 hours a week in rehearsal.
but i can't just sit by and watch everyone else dance in full costume and makeup in november. i would cry. probably.

meh. i just wish i knew what would make me happiest.

meh

Sometimes things in life make me want to barf.

Too bad my gag reflexes aren't very cooperative.

Shucks.

:-P

an addition to below post

Not to mention the fact that I will be gone TEN days!

Ten days away from classes, friends, and Josh.

:(

so there.

"I cannot seem to operate and you my love are gone."

NOoooooooooooooooo
NO NO NO NO NO.

Warning: This is another one of those "ballroom never lets me do anything!" rants. Let me start out by saying I'm very grateful to be a member of the company and for the opportunities it gives me, BUT. Sometimes, I just hate midsemester tour.

I'm going to be out of town for Ingrid Michaelson AND Snow Patrol! Ingrid is probably one of my all-time favorite artists, and absolutely AMAZING in concert (right, Amanda?). And! Snow Patrol is performing ten minutes from where I live, and I have always wanted to see them live. And I shall be in Southern California falling behind in my classes and dancing myself crazy. Grrrrr! (Ok, ten days in So Cal is not much of a trial, BUT.)

All I have to say is Regina Spektor better be coming this year. And I'd better not be gone.

Meh!

I'm so sorry

Has anyone ever loved something... or someone... so much that you find you're ruining it? You would do absolutely anything in the world to make things work, but it only causes problems? The real answer lies in doing less, not more? It lies in taking a step back, letting things happen as they do, and praying like there's no tomorrow that it'll all work out in the end? That's me.

I feel like a little child that has just stumbled upon a caterpillar's cocoon. Fascination tingling this child sits and watches as the cocoon parts and a butterfly starts to try and crawl out. Paralyzed with awe the child just watches, wanting to simply touch the metamorphosis that he doesn't understand. As the butterfly clears the cocoon the child is unable to retain himself any longer and attempts to pick up the fresh butterfly. Enchantment turns to consternation as he accidentally tears one of the unbelievably fragile wings. Tears stream down his face as he realizes if he had only waited a little longer he would not have destroyed the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

May the world know, may my friends know, but most of all... may my butterfly know... Katie... I'm sorry. I love you too much. I try too hard. And sometimes.... I tear your wings. Forgive me. I was wrong yesterday. I don't know what came over me. Please forgive a child that is so in love he doesn't know how to act. I love you Katie.

something worth venting about.

I really don't like the word "hate," but I can't seem to find a better word at this moment.

I hate books that are filthy. and I mean filthy, filthy. Filthy enough to make me put them down, even when the non-filthy parts are sooo potentially incredible. {And I am selective about what I read/watch, but I am not someone who gets squeamish during a PG movie.}

And I hate when you can't even get past page 5. At least the author has the decency to warn you early, that this is not the kind of so-called "love" you believe in and/or want to read about for 500 pages (and believe me, I skimmed a great deal of it, and saw more than a few choice expletives, as well as some "scenes" I have no desire to reproduce in my head)

And I hate that books don't have a rating system. That would make things so much easier. Books are supposed to be better than movies, right?

Grrrrrrr! <---that is how I feel inside right now. Blood boiling. Almost the same way I feel when I think about landfills, and anti-mormon stunts at Conference.

I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world

This is me folding clothes.

This is me silently screaming my head off.

Don't worry, it's just been one of those nights.


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Songs speak my words

This really isn't a vent. I just didn't want all my followers on my personal blog reading this. I'm recently obsessed with this song for some reason. Specifically these lyrics:

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Sometimes love just ain't enough.

Obviously you three know what comes to mind first, and that's still my biggest problem!
After my internal struggle about wanting to stay here so badly for summer term but knowing all along that I never really would decide to, this song makes me feel better about my decision. There's a reason why I HAVE to get away. I cannot stay here. Katie and Josh, I will miss you, really, but now I go to Oregon even happier than before, knowing that it's really what is healthiest for me.

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
The familiarity of this place is still too much. So after next week, I will just see you the end of August briefly, and then for good in January! Meanwhile, hopefully I can heal. Laura, here I come!

Guys.

A few words of advice to the sometimes unaware male:

FACT: It does NOT make YOU look smarter, when you make a girl feel stupid. It actually makes you ten THOUSAND times more unattractive to her.

FACT: If you want to have a normal relationship/friendship with a normal girl, have a normal conversation with her once in a while. {NOTE: stupid comments, teasing remarks, singing ridiculous songs in her face, trying to trip her, or smacking her butt with the pizza peel do not count. This can sometimes be funny and some guys can get away with that, but you are probably not that guy. don't take the chance. and that guy does all that in addition to having normal conversations.}

Gaaaaaahhhh.

EDIT: This was not directed toward the only guy (that I'm aware of) that reads this blog. He is not a jerk, and has never made me feel stupid.

"Like too little butter spread over too much bread."

I'm tired..... I'm just simply worn out.... too many things always going through my head and too many things always on the To-Do list. I'm frustrated (Not angry).

Even vacations often seem to bring me no respite. Where is that stuff actually found?!

I find myself just wishing that I could find some way to leave all my cares, and concerns, and responsibilities, and passions, and problems, and drama, and work, and money, and heartaches, and desires, and dreams, and pains, and burdens, and mantles, and hopes, and frustrations... and just take a step away....

and go lay in a hammock.....

on a beach....

sipping a virgin martini....

with one of those little umbrellas....

alone....

I suppose the only day that'll ever happen is when I'm dead. And even then, I'm sure God will put me to work.

My existence is doomed to trudge with the burden of responsibilty.

Normally I'm fine with it. In fact normally I quite like it. But like both of the Relief Society Presidents expressed yesterday evening, "We, as Leaders, are HARPED ON by Satan on all sides!" Sitting there, watching tears flow down the cheeks of both presidents, and having my own demons raging within me, I felt a tad bit overwhelmed.

But ask me then, ask me now, or ask me later if I would have it any other way, and I will respond with a resounding, "NO!!!!! I will not abandon them! I will not abandon those that need me. But above all, I will not abandon my God!"

Till my dying breathe let this ring true!

Confession: this isn't much of a vent.

I guess it's more of a...lament. (okay. I really just wanted to make it rhyme, but hey. it fits)

There is this person that I feel like I could be very good friends with, if she would leave religion out of it.

Not saying religion shouldn't be a constant and driving force in everyday life, but there are times when, if it is a sore subject or the root of underlying tension, that it should not be at the forefront of things.

I sometimes get the feeling that she doesn't respect my religion, or thinks that I simply do what I do because it's what I've always done, and that I don't really have a solid faith of my own.

I just wish she wouldn't expect me to have all the answers. Because I don't. And I'm actually quite terrible at phrasing those I do have in a way that really conveys what I believe and feel. The perfect words always seem to come the next day.

Sometimes I feel like the most Christlike thing we can do is love and respect people as they are. Respect their imperfections and understand their history. And understand that they will not always be as they are now, that they are capable of change, but that it might not happen tomorrow; they might not be ready for that yet. Sometimes the best way to spread Light is not through words or quotes from Scripture, but through friendship and a silent example of a better way.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. Everything will work out in the end, as it should. That I know. I'm just so glad I'm not the one deciding how it should.

*NOTE: Ever the optimist, I have turned this into a good thing. I just spent 30 minutes on lds.org, looking up conference talks, D & C manuals, and scriptures about the sacrament, the word of wisdom and why we don't drink wine. I got the spiritual boost I needed. I win.

Bad Timing

Just had a good date with Jeff. We like each other. I'm pretty darn sure it will go somewhere.

CRAP

Life has not been fair to me lately. And when I finally get my chance, I can't take full advantage of it, because, oh yeah, I leave in 3 WEEKS! Why me???

hmph!

WHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY am I so freaking bad at decision making?!!!

And so very good at rushing into/not thinking/being reckless???????

NO BUENO.



edit: I'll probably wake up tomorrow and decide I'm okay with what I decided, so you may ignore this freak out.

Sometimes persistence can be a VERY bad thing...

Oh boy. Where to start.

~a little background information for the unaware~: Last summer, when working out at the YMCA, I had a very interesting and uncomfortable encounter. To make a painfully long story short, a guy with whom I had never before had even the smallest conversation, asked three painfully-awkward questions:

1) How old are you? (that's right, he started with that one.. not..."how's it goin?" or, maybe "what's your name?"
2) What's your name? "I'm ----" -->(for the purpose of this post we will call him Bob. Bob the Stalker, if you will.)
and 3) Do you think we could hang out sometime?

all in the span of about a minute. Slow mover, I think not.

my thoughts: WHAT? I don't even know you. We are not friends. We have never been friends. You have never spoken a single word to me, EVER.

Needless to say, it was awkward. And it led to a couple other awkward encounters of such persistence, later that summer, which could be two or three posts of their own.

but this summer: today, in fact, I saw Bob again. He happens to attend the community college mentioned in this post. Grand. Just Dandy.

I saw him a couple of times around campus and quickly ducked into the trailer or behind a sign, in hopes he wouldn't see that it was me.

Well, my efforts were fruitless. He came up to my booth today, so obviously NOT there to buy something (which he didn't even do). We talked for a few minutes, which consisted of him asking me several awkward questions:

I remember you, I mean, how could I forget? do you remember me? (Why is it people only remember me when I DON'T want them to?)
do you go to school? (yes, during the year....oh how I wish I was there..)
do you think we could hang out some time? (what I actually said: I don't really know you.)
what do you want to know about me? *standing awkwardly, waiting for an answer* (um....i don't know..let's start with...NOTHING)

and one very uncomfortable admittance of feelings:

I missed seeing you around the gym. I thought I would never see you again (yeah, me too). But I'm glad I did. I still want to see you/hang out with you sometime...

*nauseated feeling in my stomach*

Um. NO. I used the same lame excuse I used ALL last summer:
"I'm working a lot and I don't really have much time."

you know what he said? "That's such a bad answer"

guess what? I DON'T CARE.

he closed with this, the natural conversationalist (NOT):

do you want me to come by again? I mean, I don't want to if you don't want me to; I don't want to be annoying... (what I wanted to say: any person with basic social skills would know that you have passed that point! you are not only annoying, but slightly obnoxious, obsessive and CREEPY! Of COURSE I don't want you to come by!)

what I really said was, "you are welcome to come by and buy something, anytime you want. I'm not going to stop you. But I really don't care if you do or don't."

I just don't GET it. As if it wasn't awkward enough last summer, when he tried to ask me out three times before ever actually carrying on a normal conversation, why would he want to put himself through that AGAIN. It's/I'm NOT worth it!!

And if any of you are thinking, "that poor guy, rejection can be so tough." Stop it. Right now. Yeah, I understand it sucks, and that it's not easy to get the courage up to talk to a girl. But this guy must be a masochist, because I have never once given him the impression that I want him to come talk to me. There are these things called signals, they help us understand if the person is at all interested.

There is this other thing called having-a-normal-conversation-with-a-person-before-you-try-and-ask-them-out. It can work beautifully.

GRRR

So I'm in the RB on the 10 minute computer downstairs as I drink a Slim-Fast so that I at least have something in my stomach before I go and work out. My reason for needing this blog right now is a certain person I have to dance with on team. I won't mention any names... but he's an oregonian that Laura thinks is attractive that I think has a big head :) Anyway.... we don't work as dance partners. He's on both numbers because he has to fill in for someone on the viennese Waltz, so he only practices with us every other day. The parts that we have to dance together just don't work, even when we practice on our own time a lot. He laughs a lot too when we mess up, not like "haha whoops we messed up again" more like "Kellie why the heck are you not doing it right". I guess snicker would be a better word. He never says anything directly but the way he acts or looks frustrated, I can tell he thinks things are mostly my fault, and I feel like he doesn't take my suggestions very well. I KNOW it's not all my fault because when I was doing all those parts with James yesterday, they were working perfectly!! Then Brent says, "Kellie, why didn't you do the tor-je-te?" (sorry katie I have no idea how to spell it) but I can't say, because John didn't do his part at all to help me! gahh! anyway I'm out of time on the computer...

FREE PIZZA!!!!! {in a high-volume, hoarse, and utterly obnoxious tone}

The restaurant I work for has a concessions trailer at the local community college, which I run on weekdays during lunch. We sell a few different items, our biggest seller being pizza by the slice.

When I was setting up today, I noticed that the student body campaign had started (I didn't even know they had those for community colleges...). One of the campaign reps for a particular candidate came up to me and announced that his campaign would be handing out free pizza during lunch time, and that they had gotten the college's approval.

He was very nice about it, and I wasn't upset with him.* It was just really frustrating that the college didn't realize how that type of thing affects our already-incredibly-slow lunchtime business.

Now this is what really got me in the mood to vent:

Because of the "free pizza campaign," I had almost a full pizza still in the warmer, waiting to be sold. Hawaiian--ham and pineapple, to be exact.

At one point, this woman comes by and asks if we have a different kind or if I could put one in the oven.**

What I said: I apologized and told her that because of the free pizza campaign, I haven't been selling hardly any, and since we were about an hour from closing, it isn't likely that I could sell it. Basically, sorry but this is the pizza we have right now.

She looks at me. Rolls her eyes. And says,

"Oh My Freak, FINE. I won't buy from you anyway."

And stomps off like a two-year-old who was just told they can't have another cookie.

For a minute, I felt bad.

What I really wanted to say (after the alleged tantrum): I'm SORRY but it's not worth wasting an entire pizza for the one slice that you will buy. We already barely break even out here every single day. Also, you look like you should probably be getting a salad instead.

People just think the world was created to please them, and everyone around them should do the same.

newsflash: Sometimes you DON'T get your way. And sometimes the other person is right. It's okay to be upset, but you don't have to be so rude.

-LC




*The candidate he was supporting, the alleged shouter of "FREE PIZZA," (whom some would classify as a "shim"), was slightly more annoying.

**Normally, this is a perfectly justified request because we usually sell plenty of pizza.

Procrastination

So I've been sitting on my bed for just about the whole day so far- since I woke up at 9:30. I did get up to make pancakes and talked to Travis and Shannon for a few minutes, but that's about it. Basically, I've been watching Scrubs as a way of procrastinating the talk I have to give in Sacrament meeting tomorrow. The talk that I was told about yesterday afternoon. What is so hard about being given a week's notice? I mean, really? "Oh yeah we have church on Sundays, which is two days from now, and that means Sacrament meeting... I should probably call three people and ask them to write a last minute talk to give". Don't get me wrong, I love my bishopric and they've been busier than normal this week because of giving callings, but.... really? Geez. Writing a talk isn't how I want to spend my Saturday. I've read Elder Oaks talk a couple of times and written down a few notes, but that's as far as I am. I don't know how I'm going to get 10 minutes out of this.

And! Of course I've gotten really tired from doing nothing all day (why does that happen?) and I just want to go back to sleep, but I've got my team social at 5 and I have to shower beforehand and I was hoping to have a good amount written by then... so I can't take a nap. Oh joy. And since I have been procrastinating, I'll still have to work on it a ton tonight after the social and then probably just go to bed after that. My life is obviously so exciting these days.

Anyway, it's a good talk. General Conference, April 2009, Elder Oaks, Unselfish Service. Check it out and re-read it.

For the LOVE!!!!

Okay, that's IT!! This one's simple. And maybe ya'll already know the answer. I suppose it's mostly just an inquiry. So here it is.

Inquiry: Why the heck can I NOT post comments on ANYONE'S posts?! It's driving me absolutely NUTS! I had some real nice ones all stapled out for Kellie, and Katie, and Laura... then I hit send... and nothing.... Aggh!! I select the profile, Google account in my case, then hit post.... wait for it.... wait for it..... it reloads and *poof,* my heart felt comment has "disapparated" into NOTHING! So my lovely lady friends, think not that I have no comments. Thus, they are apparently not freaking meant to be! Ggrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

.... I think Blogger.com favors females.... the only explanation I can come up with.... it's getting revenge on me for that whole estrogen comment... ... ... figures... ... ...

:P .... .... that's all I have to say about that.... ... ...

Why, Oh Why?!

I was inspired by Kellie's post to make yet another list. Of all the random/ridiculous/retarded "WHY" questions we ask ourselves. Here goes nothing.

Why...
...do cars sometimes randomly flash their brights at you, even when yours are DEFINITELY turned off?
...do people get frustrated so easily? Yes the pizza I gave you is plain cheese, I'm sorry that it happened to have HALF a mushroom on the tip of it because it was on the same plate as another kind
...is it so hard to find comfortable shoes that are not hideous?
...isn't ice cream is healthy as celery?
...can't all the people I love live in the same city?
...can't things like hair and nails grow to the perfect length and then just stop growing?
...can I never find my chapstick, keys, or cell phone in my purse?
...does my love of dance mean that my feet/toes will forever be deformed?
...do *some people* only have romantic feelings for someone else until the feeling is returned, then lose all interest?
...is the only attractive, single guy that I might possibly want to date/hang out with/kiss this summer NOT mormon, knows I am, and therefore is NOT interested? (confession: the fact that I'm LDS may or may not be the reason for his lack of interest; however, I will continue believing it is, in order to protect my self esteem)
...do the dental hygienists/dentist always try to carry on a conversation with you when their hands are in your mouth the whole time? "uh huh" and "nuh uh" only go so far...


Boo.


Fellow contributors, add your thoughts/unanswered questions to the list!

-LC

Why can't decisions just be easier???

I've been toying with the idea this past week of staying for summer term. I decided to take a leaf out of Laura's book and make a list about staying in Provo or going to West Salem for July and August. I'm interested to hear what you all think.

Provo:
-I could find open dance partners to take lessons with and get lots better
-I could compete at the BYU summer Dancesport with said partners and go to the Nevada Star Ball
-I could work longer and hopefully earn more money than I could at home to help pay for Jerusalem (which is still not sure)
-I could retake gold Latin and take 380
-I could be around longer to spend lots of time with my lovely roommate.... although that's probably just wishful thinking with the whole boyfriend situation
-I want to go home for a little while, but it will get boring after about a month

West Salem:
-I can spend longer than a week or so at home
-I could actually make lots of money doing the 1472903 hours of yard work around my house now that I think about it
-I could probably get my babysitting job back for the third summer in a row. She loves me and I'm old enough and responsible enough to drive her three boys to and from gymnastics and soccer
-Oregon is way cooler than Utah
-I get to see Matt, Callie, Hannah, Kayla, Gwen, Cassie, Lauren, Kim, Sadie, Natalie, Jon, Ricky. Basically people I'm still really close with from highschool
-I get to have a car to drive myself around
-I can possibly go along as an experienced leader on the stake laurel 50 mile hike
-The outdoors in Oregon is the best- and I need camping/backpacking in my summer


Basically my main motivation for staying is dance. Which is what I love, but it's not what life is about. So I think I know my answer, but it's still a hard decision. I wish I could just do both.
Plus I'm pretty sure my parents will just make me come home anyway and not give me a choice.

Here's your sign!

Okay, so it's my turn to vent. This is ridiculous! Women!!!! I hate, no, LOATHE this ordeal that we term as "Woman's Conference." For all you ladies out there, which hey, is the other three people that follow this blog, I apologize.

Background:
Woman's Conference: That lovely time of the year in which a million estrogen filled vessels make their way to God's University. Why? Good heavens, I don't have a clue. I think it's some kind of "flower power," women's rights, "Go ladies" tripe that just fuels their britches and gets 'em pumped for the next 12 months.

My Predicament:
So, here I sit in a visitor booth just to the east of the Wilk trying to maintain law and order between who can park and who can not. FYI: There are two HUGE signs that say, "This is NOT a Woman's Conference parking lot." Yet take a crack at how many women CAN'T READ!!!

Dialogue:
"I've been driving all over campus and can't find anywhere to park. Every lot is full."
(My brain is thinking, "Uh huh. Sure they are.") "Hiiiiii there. Well here's what we're going to have you do. Take this..... blah blah blah.... and voila! You're there."
"Are you serious!!!!?" (Spit flying.)
*She speeds away*

I love my job.


Okay.... I might have to rescind a few comments. A lady just came up to me and said this:
"Dear. I found a parking space. Thank you so much. You've saved me so much time from having to run around looking for a spot and now I can get in get out and make my way back home to Salt Lake. Thank you. I was going to have Subway for lunch but I thought of you and just wanted to thank you for your help. Here, take my sandwich."

*melt*

I know what you three are thinking, "Serves you right."
:P

Tough

Sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work out or how fervently you pray for things to get better, they just don't. At least not for a while. And no matter how many people and good friends surround me 24/7, and despite the fact I know Heavenly Father won't abandon me, most of the time I feel completely alone, isolated, empty.
Good thing we have this blog for me to vent about it. Not like you guys don't get it enough anyway. Thanks for putting up with it (usually).

two suitcases, one backpack and a purse

I officially have way too much stuff.

Too much to be car-less and flying home for the whole summer, cramming it all into a couple checked suitcases, a carry-on and one small personal item (aka my largest purse). At least Southwest lets you check two bags for free.

Sometimes I want to just give it all away and start fresh. Simplify. Wouldn't it be nice if all I needed really did fit in two suitcases, one backpack and a purse? (instead of storing ten boxes of my life in a different basement every summer when I go home).

How much do I really need?

Why Elms, why? I'm not even moving out!*

I HATE CLEANING!!!!!!!

That is all I have to say about that.

*actually it practically feels like I am since I won't be here for the next 5 Sundays. People who know I'm staying in the ward will think I'm inactive. People who move into the ward won't know I exist. I won't meet my new roommates until they've already been living in my apartment for a month....weird...that shouldn't bug me really, but it kinda does...